The 10 Relationship Success Mindsets

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These 10 Relationship Success Mindsets share links to the ‘four agreements’ which had their origin in Mayan culture and were brought to the world firstly through the writings of Carlos Castaneda and later through the pen of Don Miguel Ruiz. These were philosophical mindsets that led to peace and harmony amongst potentially warring tribes, and within the self. I have extended these four to include Buddhist and Yogic philosophical positions which, taken together, are a blueprint for not only how to live your life, but how to approach and enhance your primary relationship.

In order to relate well, couples must learn to work with their own egos and that of their partner. They must be alert to the dynamics that sink relationships.

The first four success mindsets below relate to Ruiz’s agreements in his writings. The six agreements that follow derive their origins from other philosophic systems, and these are expanded upon in Jeff's book The 12 Choices of Winners found at http://www.jefferysaunders.com/ books.php .
If couples could follow these success mindsets, they would be less likely to lose touch with each other, and less likely to find themselves in the power plays and disconnection that follows. Follow these mindsets, and you’ll provide renewed hope for your marriage.

1st Success Mindset:

Be impeccable with your word.

A warrior has nothing in the world except his impeccability, and impeccability can’t be threatened. Carlos Castaneda

Impeccability can be the glue that holds a relationship together. As Ruiz points out, the word impeccable means ‘without sin.’ The word comes from the Latin pecatus, which means ‘sin.’ The ‘im’ in impeccable means ‘without,’ so impeccable means ‘without sin.’ Being impeccable, then, means not to sin against self, or not to do anything that compromises your own integrity with yourself.

You lose impeccability when you say, think or act in ways that compromise your integrity, such as taking on the beliefs of others or judging and blaming others rather than noticing what goes on within yourself. Impeccability requires that you take full responsibility for your actions, knowing that you can’t be made to say, do or think anything. You no longer blame your father, mother, government or partner for how you behave. Being impeccable involves taking total responsibility for how you respond to life’s vicissitudes.

When you make a mistake, however, this is not an invitation to pass judgment on self. Self-blame, self-judgment is an indulgence that is also ‘sinful’ – destructive towards and out of harmony with self. Mistakes are actually an opportunity to learn and think differently. So when you’re impeccable, you don’t use your word (either as a thought or as speech) against yourself, allowing yourself to indulge in guilt, shame, or self-doubt.

Impeccable behaviour recognises an unhelpful choice as an opportunity to do something differently – and then boldly stepping into that choice. Couples find themselves following the expectations of others, doing what they don’t want to do, saying what they don’t want to say. Being impeccable with your word means you stay true to your own needs, values and knowing, whilst negotiating with others who are different, but not wronging or righting them because they are different. Dropping expectations and learning to accept self and others for who you and they are will enable you to appreciate what appears to be imperfection, and reminding yourself that imperfection is the perfect reality of life. You will then be impeccably relating to life as it is, and will also express yourself truthfully – being honest with your word.

Reflections: “When could I better manage what I allow myself to say?”

“How could I express myself to better represent the person I want to be?”


2nd Success Mindset:

Don’t take anything personally.

Self-importance is man’s greatest enemy. What weakens him is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of his fellow men. Self-importance requires that one spend most of one’s life offended by something or someone. Carlos Castaneda, The Wheel of Time

Self-importance is the strange state of affairs that most find themselves in – that some other person should constantly respect, admire, accept, approve and be loyal to – ME! This just can’t happen, because people are too immersed in meeting their own needs and wants, and their own personality idiosyncrasies, to be available to intuit then meet the needs and wants of others. Yet, when we don’t get the response from a partner that we expect, we take it personally, as if their behaviour was about ME – very important ME! I like this comment of Abraham-Hicks, which puts the view of others in its rightful place. “... it is so important for you to get everybody else out of the equation. They've got their own game going on; they don't understand your game. Give them a break; stop asking them what they think. Start paying attention to how you feel. Joy will be yours immediately, and everything else that you have ever thought would make you happy, will start flowing, seemingly effortlessly, into your experience.”

When couples get distressed with each other, they may say and do things which they later regret. But what really undermines a relationship, is when a partner takes personally what is said to them. When we get distressed in a relationship, it is usually because our needs are not met, our self-esteem is eroded, or our values are not honoured. When this occurs, our inner child reacts as if something is being done to us. Of course this is not what is happening. What is taking place is our partner is behaving badly because their inner child needs are not being met, self-esteem undermined, or values being ignored. Yet, rather than saying to ourselves “Oh dear, my partner is suffering right now,” we behave as if something is being done to self. We are all vulnerable to having our buttons being pushed in this way, as if the other’s behaviour is aimed at us personally. It never is. Whenever we act badly, old childhood wounds have been reactivated, yet we use the people we are relating to now to throw our toys at.

If our partner says “you’re stupid”, it’s not because they are clairvoyant or everybody can see how stupid we are. It’s because they are struggling, and project that inner child struggle onto someone near them, just as they did, or a parent did, in their childhood.

Commonly, a partner can feel so intimidated by another’s inner child behaviour that they withdraw, close down, and slink away. Alternatively, they may come our fighting angrily, throwing words at their partner as if hurting, demanding or blaming them will in some way help. Of course it won’t because their partner is in a process which had its origins years earlier. See more about how these ‘attachment styles’ operate by reading Conflict styles

Try adopting the following attitude towards another’s behaviour suggested by Stuart Wilde. “The hardest step to enlightenment is giving others the freedom to be as stupid as they want without any need or desire to change them in any way.” When you can do this, you won’t take the unreasonable, unkind, uninformed, insensitive or unwise behaviour of others personally.

Reflections: “When could I allow myself to recognise another’s comments are not really about me?”

“How could I express myself so as to better own my own stuff and not project my reactivity onto others?”

3rd Success Mindset:

Don’t make assumptions.

We hardly ever realize that we can cut anything out of our lives, anytime,in the blink of an eye. Carlos Castaneda, The Wheel of Time

Humans have a very strange habit of believing that their view of reality is THE view of reality. If for example I feel hurt by a comment, then I can assume others will feel hurt also. If I can’t cope with anger, others won’t cope either. If I found a speaker boring, then others will also have that experience. If I believe another meant something unkind, I should be expected to feel hurt.

However, assumptions are often so inaccurate, that they risk making an ass out of u and me. Whenever we assume another’s truth, what another meant, what another was thinking or wanting, or what another’s motives were, we are at risk of getting a firm grasp of the wrong end of the stick. This is a big deal, because in relationships people can feel hurt by what they assume another has meant. This not only leads to emotional reactions, but can also lead to angry or even vengeful behaviours that are even more unhelpful. Most relationships are loaded with hurts, frustrations and resentments that have piled up over time when one person has assumed what another has meant. These unhelpful emotions may build up because partners are communicating using a different language – one the language of feelings, the other the language of the mind.

Clear communication is the way to avoid assumptions. If you are wondering what another means or intended, ask. Seek clarification. Check as to what was meant. Express concerns, confusion, anxiety or whatever about what the other has said, and ask whether or not you’ve heard them correctly. It helps to prefix your comments with phrases like: “Can I tell you what’s going on for me right now ...”, or “This isn’t about you, but what’s happening for me after you made that statement is ...”, or “I want to check out what you meant when you said ... “

Learn the language by which you relate. This is well described in the first article above entitled Conflict styles Learn also to articulate your views, needs, wants and preferences and don’t just hope that the other knows where you are coming from. Successful couples know that very concise expression of what they want and who they are is the way to avoid misunderstandings and fears about what the other is thinking or meaning. I elaborate on how to communicate meaningfully in the article Conflict styles

Reflections: “What assumptions have I made in the past about my partner and his/her comments?”

“How could I better express myself so as to inquire what my partner was meaning?”

4th Success Mindset:

Always do your best.

Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later. Mandino Og

Human beings are naturally positively intended, but not all humans actively seek to progress, learn more, become wise, more loving, more patient, and so on.

In a relationship, it is essential that a couple work towards being the best they can be, because learning more about self and other, how relationships succeed, how emotions can be managed, or how children can be best raised is the only way to improve your quality of life. Because relationships are always getting better or getting worse (never static), if you’re not trying to do your best, then you will not be moving towards a better place together.

Personality idiosyncrasies that make it difficult for others to be in relationship with you must be addressed. Virtually any relationship requires that you are mentally and emotionally balanced, honest, faithful, trustworthy, compassionate, loving, emotionally available, intimate and vulnerable. Acting like a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor will undermine a relationship, and these behaviours are inevitable if your neediness tendencies are not addressed. An unwillingness to address one's reactivity is tantamount to an unwillingness to be responsible for the state of your relationship.

Below is a quote from my book The 12 Choices of Winners from Carlos Castaneda whose spiritual teacher encouraged Carlos to focus on what works, and not indulge in what doesn’t . "The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." If we focus on getting better at relating and understanding how relationships work, our relationship will improve. If we do nothing, or get buried in woe and negative thinking, it won’t.

Some days you’ll want to learn as much as possible, and other days you will not care less. However, so long as you adopt an overall determination to learn and progress and become the best you can be, you will attract opportunities to improve. Exhaustion, anxiety, fears, guilt, shame, doubt and hopelessness will be the emotional states that most remove you from a state of positive intention. Seeing we all experience these from time to time, we won’t always be at our best to be our best.

Always doing our best, then, is a core value that will help us achieve all of the other ten successful mindsets. It is a core ingredient in all people who make something of their lives. No one can ever succeed without this essential value leading their choices in life.

In my book The 12 Choices of Winners http://www.jefferysaunders.com/ books.php I make reference to the Japanese concept of ‘kaizen’, broadly translated as ‘small improvement’. The Japanese industrial miracle following World War II was built on this concept, introduced to Japanese workers by the American quality control expert Edwards Deming. Deming knew that if the Japanese rewarded their workforce for striving to build excellence by constantly doing better, that within a decade the Japanese economy would supersede that of America – an ambitious prediction that became a truth.

When couples set the goal of wanting to constantly improve their relationship, finances, health and so on, this striving to do the best possible will strengthen the quality of that relationship. Without a determination to look at how we can improve our relating to those close to us, we are likely to stay stuck in past conditioning, and our relating will be robotic and based on childhood conditioning.

Reflections: “When could I better manage what I allow myself to say and do?”

“How could I better express my needs when I (unrealistically) expect more of my partner?”

5th Success Mindset:

Own the need to up-skill

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out and meet it. Winters

Without a determination to look at how we can improve our relating to those close to us, we are likely to stay stuck in past conditioning, and our relating will be robotic and based on those old patterns. If you are not looking at how to improve your relating and communicating abilities, you are not recognising that relationships must be a constant journey towards betterment. Our relationships are never static, they are either improving or deteriorating – and the latter is very common.

I wrote the book The 12 Choices of Winners to assist people on the personal development path who might not otherwise have known what that journey might involve, and that it pre-empts quality relating. When I’ve discussed the ten ingredients of a successful primary relationship on my relationship courses, I’ve noted that “Personality tendencies that make it very difficult for anyone to be in relationship with you must be addressed. In order to succeed, virtually any relationship requires that you are mentally and emotionally balanced, honest, faithful, trustworthy, compassionate, loving, emotionally available, intimate and vulnerable. Acting like a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor will undermine a relationship in no time, and these are inevitable if your neediness tendencies are not healed. An unwillingness to address one's reactivity is tantamount to an unwillingness to be responsible for the state of your relationship.”

The most ignorant of people believe that it is only their partner who needs to do the personal work. I’ve met many who have been told, and may even believe, that their shortcomings are the sole reason for the problems within their relationship. However, this has never been my experience. A relationship is an interactive dynamic, and this includes emotional reactions that even the seemingly most unemotional partners have. No one is immune from being triggered in a close emotional encounter.

Check out the strengths and weaknesses of our relating style. Your attachment style will have the most impact on how you relate, and for everyone this is a mix of helpful and unhelpful tendencies. Check out these ‘attachment styles’ and how they operate by reading Conflict styles

Reflections: “What skill must I acquire to better connect and resolve differences?”

“How skill would enable me to better cope with my partner’s distress?”

6th Success Mindset:

Develop individual freedom

Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all,because the mind is never new, fresh or innocent. Jiddhu Krishnamurti

All relationships face this dilemma: the tension between ‘me’ and ‘we’ and the desire to live out the next best version of yourself. Couples get together to expand their expression of self, to grow into the best possible version of themselves. Yet, the opposite can happen – individuals compromise their own needs, wants and desires in order to accommodate their partner’s needs, wants and desires. It can even feel that for the relationship to survive, one party must acquiesce to the needs and wants of the other. This tension leads to inevitable conflict, and ultimately to a fight for individual freedom and survival of one's own ego.

During the honeymoon phase, each is focused on helping their partner to met needs, wants and desires. However, this altruistic stance soon changes once the fear of not being appreciated and understood kicks in. Couples can soon shift from benevolent mutual support to aggressive self protection. When this happens, couples either fight and argue, or distance from each other and focus on getting their own needs met.

The first step toward personal freedom is the awareness of this tension, and our desire to resolve it. We need to be aware that we are not free in order to seek a way to be free. Only when we are aware of the problem can we address and solve it.

So who or what is it that really stops us from being free? We blame our partners, the children, the mortgage, politicians, the weather, our parents, religion, God. Who really stops us from being free? The sad truth is that we stop ourselves. The wonderful philosopher Joseph Campbell commented: “Freud tells us to blame our parents for all the shortcomings of our life, Marx tells us to blame the upper class of our society. But the only one to blame is oneself.”

We are actually trapped by our own beliefs and habits, through which we have learned to give up our freedoms. We often believe we must do all sorts of things for others, at our own cost. But this is just a habit of domestication. The way most of us are living now is the result of many years of domestication. You cannot expect to break that pattern immediately.

Become aware of how you may have inadvertently given up freedoms as you’ve supported others, and the guilt that keeps you doing that. A simple agreement to support each other to be as free as possible is really all it takes to break the shackles of this self imposed prison. When you agree to actively support each other’s uniqueness, that will require an exploration of needs, wants and desires you both have, some relating to the relationship, others relating to what you desire to achieve outside of the relationship. Cooperative support of each other and communication of these needs and desires is the way forward.

I love this quote from Abraham-Hicks, because it so appropriately emphasises that we must shake off the notion that our freedom and well-being is somehow dependent on someone else. At the end of the day, we must meet our own needs, and take care of our own reactivity. S/he wrote:

'Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel -- and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good.'

Reflections: “What could I say to my partner that would better express my needs?”

“How could I express myself so as to better support my own uniqueness and also support my partner’s?”

7th Success Mindset:

Totally accept yourself, warts & all

When a warrior learns to stop the internal dialogue, everything becomes possible;the most far-fetched schemes become attainable. Don Juan Matus

If you want another to love you, don’t expect them to love someone who views themselves as inadequate, unworthy or unlovable. In order to be loved by another, you must love yourself – be accepting, appreciative acknowledging, respectful, tolerant of and understanding of self.

Falling in love with self is something very few people do well. Instead, most people rattle off self-talk they developed years ago as children, and hang on every word that others have to say to them in order to feel OK. This process, of how we constantly make and remake ourselves, is beautifully summarized by Olga Kharitidi, a Russian psychiatrist, in her book Entering the Circle.

“The one and only thing everyone is doing all the time is trying to make their Self. Everyone speaks to this changing, growing being all the time, trying to shape it...... They speak inside their heads about the past, reconstructing it by changing or erasing the things that don't fit the being they are trying to create and by expanding the things that help them along. They also think of the future, imagining what they will do, how they will look, what their possessions will be, and how they will be accepted by others.”

If you experienced many expressions of love, affirmation, valuing, appreciation and acknowledgement as a child, you will most probably have these attitudes towards yourself. You will most likely still speak to yourself as everyone does as described by Olga Kharitidi, but you would do so with acceptance and appreciation. Very few people do this, and those that do, usually do so only in part, not totally. Once we can love ourselves, we can open to being the person we were designed to be and feel valued by our mate, instead of being a slave to past conditioning.

If we do not love ourselves because we were insufficiently loved in childhood, we will interpret the comments of others as hurtful and demeaning, sowing seeds of self-doubt and low self-esteem. However, rather than recognising that history is repeating itself, we will instead think that the comments and views of others are the problem, failing to recognise that these others, such as our spouse, are just triggering emotionally reactive parts that have been lying within us for our whole life.

Loving self has nothing to do with grandiosely inflating your self-importance, or developing a narcissistic focus. It’s just about treating yourself as well as you would a friend. In my book The 12 Choices of Winners I comment that:

“You may know of people who appear to successfully honour their self ahead of others, but whose lives are ruined by that preoccupation with their self. Such individuals may be narcissistic, anti-social, obsessive, attention-seeking or even paranoid. In other words, their tendency to think of themselves first is actually ruining their lives and relationships, because they can’t see past their own reflection, or are hell-bent on looking after number one. However, in such cases, these people are not really honouring themselves, because they are actually caught up in dysfunctional reactions to life. A narcissist, for example, is someone who gets immersed in their own reflection, and has trouble considering the perspective of anyone other than themselves. Someone who is paranoid can’t help but worry about their own security first and foremost. Obsessive individuals demand that their desires be met no matter what others may prefer. It is the insecurity of not being the centre of attention that causes attention-seeking behaviours. However, none of these patterns of behaviour is functional, nor creates long-term happiness. None of them are behaving in ways which really support the self, because narcissism, paranoia, obsession, attention-seeking, worrying and the like sets up a distance between one’s self and others, and overlooks the inner damage giving rise to such ego-driven behaviour."(P 186)

Never judge yourself, but always look at ways to live life better. Never look back at your mistakes. Just look forward at ways you can improve your choices. Apologise if you need to, but don’t buy into anyone’s condemnation of you. Appreciate your positive intentions to be the best you can be, and when you hear those judgmental voices in your head, just put them on the shelf where you can view and learn from them – about yourself. I've shared with you some further ideas about how to support yourself thereby making you a more desirable partner in the article Make me into an excellent partner!

Reflections: “What could I say more supportively to myself, especially if I think I’ve made an error of judgement?”

“What could I say to my partner that would better own my uniqueness and express my needs?”

8th Success Mindset:

Consider the needs of your relationship

Once individuals recognize their role in creating their own life predicament, they also realize that they, and only they, have the power to change that situation. Irvin Yalom

There are three individuals with needs in your relationship: you, your partner, and the relationship itself. That means that all three must be constantly met, and to make matters worse, these needs may be unknown to all three.

We all have hundreds of needs, wants and desires, but few of us have been raised to know what all of these are. We often get to know a need only when it’s not being met. By then, we’re probably in a reactive mode – either withdrawing or getting frustrated and angry – because someone else is not doing what we want them to do. It may seem unlikely that you wouldn’t know your own needs, but believe me, few are aware of many of their must-be-met needs.

Come to appreciate that the relationship itself has needs (as opposed to those of each partner). This will tell you what you can, and perhaps must, bring to the relationship in order to make it work. Such needs could include quality time out together, quality communication, a balanced sharing of tasks or roles in the relationship, agreements on strategies for supporting each other’s life passions and hopes, and so on. There will certainly be a need for the recognition and expression of each other’s Languages of Love and Connection if there’s to be a constant appreciation and acknowledgement of each other.

All relationships require balanced communication, where each party speaks, is heard, and is hopefully understood. Learn how to do this, taking into account the unique traits you both have, needing either feelings to be heard and understood, or a viewpoint heard and acknowledged. Learn how to listen to what is going on within you, and express yourself, while continuing to own what is going on for you. Allow and encourage your partner to do likewise. Bring loving tolerance and patience when there are needs or values clashes when you talk.

All relationships have a need for these 10 Success Mindsets to be operating. Everyone coming in to a relationship actually expects these will just happen, and so rarely recognise that they will have to up-skill themselves in order to make the relationship workable. Even the most loving and adoring couple will meet challenges once unmet childhood needs arise, as is inevitable.

Reflections: “What could I say to my partner that would support the needs of our relationship?"

“How could I express myself so as to better support our relationship?”

9th Success Mindset:

Give up being right; instead meet needs

Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Unknown

Needing to be ‘right’ is a great way to sabotage your relationship. Ask the many separated and divorced individuals who will claim that they were ‘right’ despite that leading to their relationship break-up. Put simply, being ‘right’ has no meaning in relationship, and therefore no place there. It creates a non-negotiable block to communication. Here’s why.

Values and beliefs about what is right are culturally determined and totally arbitrary. For example, in one culture (such as a family culture, or national culture) it may be right to have strongly differentiated roles in the relationship. This could play out with him bringing in the wood and caring for the garden, while she does the housework and meals. In other cultures (including the culture of many relationships), there is no such distinction. Roles are chosen based on who likes doing what, who is available to do what, and who has the energy to do what. If the latter determines roles, then they will be chosen according to needs, predisposition, and other demands on each partner, not on gender exclusivity. Thus, the concept of ‘right’ relates to what works best for both parties, as opposed to some cherished inherited value.

It is common for couples to think that there are right ways to raise kids, right ways to cook food, right ways to make the bed, right ways to talk, right ways to have sex, right ways to sort the garbage, right ways to speak to each other, right ways to relate to outsiders, right ways to entertain, right ways to listen – and on it goes. ‘Right’ simply reflects your value system (often inherited in part at least), and your specific needs. There is no such thing as ‘Right’ – capital ‘R’ – for any relationship. Such Right does not exist. There may be a ‘right’ (i.e. what is best) for you personally, because your values, needs, wants and preferences are what work best for you. But there may be an entirely different ‘right’ for your partner. Just as I have earlier encouraged you to stop judging yourself as being right or wrong, good or bad, I also encourage you to stop thinking about your relationship or partner in such terms.

The way forward here is to learn what your values, needs, wants, desires and preferences are, and invite your partner to support you to honour and respect these. Don’t assume that your partner will know what is ‘right’ for you –s/he doesn’t have ESP. Learn to specifically state what your needs are. Learn to state them in non-emotional ways. It is hard to hear a partner state what they would like if they are in a reactive emotional state. Notice that whenever you are feeling negative emotion with your partner, that emotion will be inviting you to stand up for yourself and ask to be heard or for support.

Reflections: “What could I say to my partner that would support both of us and our needs?”

“How could I express myself so as to make sure that both our views are valued?”

10th Success Mindset:

Discipline yourself to repeat what works, over and over

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. Aristotle

Most of us grow up with little knowledge as to what leads to relationship excellence. Instead, we tend to repeat old habits of relating that we either learned from our caregivers as children or adopted because of the nature of our parenting. This has created the situation we face today – a relating pattern that we developed in childhood, never questioned, and took into our adult relationships.

This pattern of relating, however, may have been flawed. In most instances, each of us was left with an insufficient set of skills to successfully manage our adult relationships. We grew up with some flawed mindsets and a skills shortage, and only new learning and determination to do it better could improve upon this inheritance. Just as you have practiced these inherited relating patterns for decades to the point where they now seem to be a part of who you are, the time has come to practice a new set of mindsets and skills to serve you in your relationships from here on. It is now time to adopt additional mindsets and skills that research has shown work well in relationships. The Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy model is one such approach. It offers new ideas about how to relate, and the mindsets and skills that will take you there.

Consider this example. I have a mantra that has the power, when repeated, to calm me down, take me out of fearful thinking, and improve my mood for relating to others, no matter what state of mind or emotion they are in. I repeat this mantra many times each day. It is my key to calm and focus. I also repeat affirmations each day. I meditate every morning. I jog every weekday morning. I know that success only comes to those determined to repeat what works well, so I don’t take risks. You may have some similar disciplines in your life.

I also discipline myself to do the best I can to hear my wife if she’s upset or bothered, listening to her in the manner that her attachment style requires. Again, I don’t want to risk my relationship any more than my mental and emotional health, so I’ve learned what must be done and with repeated discipline have largely overcome my reactive habits. Maintaining a quality relationship simply requires some effort, and the rewards are everything a relationship should ideally be – supportive, expansive, loving, caring and a person I can confide in when I’m struggling. In The 12 Choices of Winners (p 102), I make the following point:

“To be a success in life –whatever you want to succeed at – will require that you develop strong intentions about what you want. The stronger your intentions, the more assured you can be that success will come. The only way to be consistently determined is to discipline yourself to be focused on what really matters to you. If you’re at all unsure as to what that is, then begin by being determined to find out what lights your fire, and move forward in that direction.”

To get the best from these 10 Relationship Success Mindsets, you must repeat them over and over again. To successfully act on your repetitions, you will need to put repetition into action. Practicing the new Success Mindsets in your relationship is how your best becomes better. Regular discussion and goal-setting with your partner will enable to you to keep alive the intentions you have both adopted, and will create a mutually supportive platform for reviewing and improving your relationship. Repetition makes the Winner. Repetition, repetition, repetition. It’s the stuff of Relationship Mastery.

Reflections: “How could I express myself so as to consolidate productive new skills?”

“What supportive skills or attitudes could I repeat that would support my partner?”